Crisis in Egypt - The real story

Cairo, Egypt: In an exposé that is bound to have long term impact on bilateral relations between several nations, the crisis in Egypt is revealed to be the result of a conspiracy by the 80s pop act ‘The Bangles’. The band has currently regrouped in Egypt, and is in the process of releasing their hit single 'Walk Like an Egyptian' in Arabic. 

Our correspondent Nemo Barahk reports that the band has carefully engineered the fall of the existing regime so as to capitalize on the ensuing zeitgeist, as Egyptians finally walk with their heads held high, freed from years of tyranny. The resurgence of the song is expected to be a worldwide phenomenon, much like Europe’s ‘The Final Countdown’, which made a comeback at the beginning of the new millennium and generated enough money to allow the band members to relive the life of luxury that they were used to in yesteryears. However, one may safely assume that unlike The Bangles who engineered the downfall of the Egyptian regime, Europe had nothing they needed to alter in the coming of the new millennium.

While it is a well known fact that The Bangles were hard pressed for funds, not many people know that they had tried to make a comeback earlier too, but it went horribly wrong and put them in even greater debt. As the saying goes- Desperate times call for desperate measures- and the result is now there for all to see! The band’s manager, while emphatically denying any such conspiracy theories, was very vociferous in criticism of Mr. Barahk. “Who’s Nemo Barahk, to comment on things beyond his understanding? We are here because of the love and support of our Egyptian fans. This Nemo Barahk is nothing but a kharab (bad) omen.”

Meanwhile, the simple people of Egypt are unaware of any such external factors and vested interests. Millions of Egyptians are expected to download the song ‘Walk like an Egyptian’ on the internet, giving a boost to the flagging American Music Industry. The band has even planned live performances across Egypt, and concert tickets are selling like hot cakes. Tickets are being sold for as high as a month’s worth of bread! Even so, such is the atmosphere in Egypt that people are expected to attend the concerts in thousands.

Hani Salaam, with his donkey Akhmed

Some are beginning to believe the sequence of events to be a prophecy which has now come true. Hani Salaam, a goods transporter in Giza, said, "It is written! The Bangles are indeed messengers of Allah. They have foreseen this day and told us about it. Now we wait to see them live. I am buying the best seats in the house for their concert! It cost me a month of bread made with top quality yeast... But it’s worth it, as I can even bring my donkey cart in the stadium!"

Already, album sales have picked up in the region. People now believe that there are other prophecies hidden in their songs. Hundreds are queuing up to get the lyrics translated in Arabic. Abu ben Adem (may his tribe increase), a local language translator, commenting on the spike in business said, “I cannot believe my sudden fortune. Earlier, I got about only about 100 sestertii a day translating articles mainly from Hustler magazine. But now, there are people queued all day long in front of my house. Allah be praised, The Bangles are definitely divine beings sent to deliver us from our misery."

Some conspiracy theorists are beginning to see this as part of a larger game involving the American record labels, amongst others. Already, one is seeing The Bangles merchandise on the streets. When contacted, representatives of Second Life Records, which The Bangles now work under, expectedly denied all such allegations and in fact went on to blame counterfeiters for ruining what could have been a hitherto untapped market for them. Interestingly, this is the same record company that helped Europe in their comeback effort.

For the moment, no one in Egypt could care less. It is celebration time for them as they take to the streets, let down their hair and head to the nearest bar- Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may die...